I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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