Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
