oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
