That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
