I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
