I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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