i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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