this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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