he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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