guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
