theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
