I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize