it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
