This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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