Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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