i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
