I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
3pm strippers are depressing
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
