i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
