You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
