she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
did i just pee glitter
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
