Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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