things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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