Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
