you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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