Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
