its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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