I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Drake has all the answers
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
