I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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