So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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