this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
