GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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