it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
