I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
