everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
