don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
