My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
