I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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