overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
