why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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