this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
