Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
