sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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