I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
