there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
