I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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