i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
