Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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