I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
