would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
