so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize