my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
