Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
