I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
