not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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