I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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