I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
