Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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