ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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