i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
