anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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